I Did Not Feel Anything
by RisaShootingStar
Summary: "I did not feel anything because I had already felt everything. I had already shed my tears for you while you were still alive, I had already mourned for you mortality even when you were standing next to me because you and I both knew with certainty that our faith was inevitable."


I am going to confess that I did not feel anything. Whether that was a proud moment, or perhaps a sinister insight to my true nature- it doesn't really matter now does it? Although, I'm not quite sure why _I didn't _feel anything; it truly was a shock to me since I knew I had an incredibly strong and centered sense of morality. Maybe it was because it was you. Anybody else I would, of course, have a form of sympathy. Oh of course I wouldn't shed a tear, but indeed I will bow my head in respect and perhaps, reflect on the situation and relationship. But… of course it had to be you.

Really, I mean, this is stupendous, in all honesty! How do you manage to screw up such a simple task? A task, do tell, we have been doing for our entire lives? Did your worth ethics start to reflect your true careless and _disgusting _nature? I had assumed better of you, I thought I knew you better but I suppose I was mistaken. I have regrets now; I regret ever meeting you. I regret becoming your friend, and I regret having any sort of relationship with you. No, I regret those statements. I lied, I didn't mean those. I can see you already smirking at me, because I know, that _you _know, they were emotional fibs. If I still know you like I think I do then you know exactly what I mean by it. I can't ever regret your existence, nor will I ever forget it-again, that smirk! That was not a lie I assure you, I will always have my memories of you secured. You _disgusting_ vermin; you burned a deep wound on me, one that I can never erase! But of course, it's not like I _want _to erase it. Perhaps it's not a burn, rather a painless imprint? An imprint that would hurt later on of course.

Oh bother, no I don't regret it. I don't regret being _forced _to sitting next to you in class. As two new transfer students of course they would require us to stick together for fear we would drag the other students down. Joke on them; however, we were the smarter children. Well, for you not academically, but you had the most strangest and enthralling insight I have ever known to recognize. I would say it rubbed off on me, but that is also a lie. I will; however, remember it and use it as a sort of reference to my own personal ideology. We were, as you know, complete polar opposites. While I prefer to keep scientific analogy (mathematical too) out of my comparisons, we were indeed, "opposites attract." Our bickering and arguing gave us unique insight to learn how to counter. You were right when you expressed that we need to know more perspectives to boost our own in power. It wasn't until we knocked each other down hard that we got up and became the closest of friends.

I'm never going to forget the night we were in front of my house, standing on the porch arguing after our science project. (I still and will always believe that our project with hydrogen electrons inside water causing an electric current was brilliant, versus your idea to create a bomb.) You had screamed that I knew nothing about true loneliness and what it means to be unwanted. In retrospect I agree with you, I did not know at the time the circumstances you had lived with. If I knew at the time I would have been more cautious, but I suppose I should be grateful for my ignorance, yes? I learned about your family, and in return you learned about mine and it was at that moment that I realized the privilege that I owned. While my mother is overbearing, I've known all my life that what she does for me is for my own benefit, and that she deeply cares about me. I never suspected any different for other children, and I grew a strong distaste for your mother and how she shoved guilt down your throat to prove her points, crippling you in the process.

We had stopped talking, seeing as we overstepped boundaries, but I had forced you to spend the night, despite my mother's drudging disapproval and that was when I finally got to meet you, my friend. I again, do not feel a thing. Even when I have to tell everyone a lie of how you had died, since our job, as you know, is extremely protective of its secrets. You were indeed an imbecilic for making me think of an excuse for how your demise played out. How will I tell your very few friends how you (didn't really) die? Do I make it so they hate you for your stupidity? Perhaps you would want to seem like a hero among us? I still have plenty of time to think, but every time I do so I can't help but relive that very moment.

Really, every time I think about it I can't help but roll my eyes in annoyance. How did you not make it to the check point? In all honesty, it was a foolish mistake! Such a simple error that could have been easily avoided if you weren't so…_you._ When I ran towards the next rendezvous point I saw you, face down, on the dirt and while bullets prompt me to run faster, I had stopped. We have a rule, that you know rather well, that we must retrieve our comrades at any cost. We have to make sure no information is leaked that could possibly lead back to our organization. I've personally recused a few corpses in my time, not as much as the tremendous times you have, but enough to say I know the rule well. I didn't pick you up; however, my mind was telling me you would stand up, brush yourself off and murder the assailants that caused you to stumble in the first place. Now the back of my mind was telling me not to go near you, because then my fantasy would shatter and the reality would start to sting that if you truly were dead, I would have caused an outrageous fit. In the end, another comrade had picked you up. Not me, claim, your best friend.

I really should wrap up my thoughts but when I saw you back at base, it was pure bewilderment that the only causality was you. I, nor everyone else, could have believed it to be so since of course, you were one of the top agents-next to me of course. What was the cause of this outcome, people had asked but when they picked you up they found you cradling a small, deceased kitten. I'm sorry but, _what the bloody fucking hell was that for? _You are an idiot, a big oaf. You had put your own life on the line to save a small kitten which was also killed in the crossfire. I would want to say that the kitten died because you rescued it, an oxymoron at best, since we did see the bullet pierce through you and the feline, but that would hurt your feelings right? Well fuck you, too bad. You hurt my entire mindset for being so ridiculously out of control! The great and powerful agent dies rescuing a kitten. Swell.

Honestly, I don't know whether or not I should have you buried with your _precious Belle, _or have you cremated at flush you down a toilet. I'm thinking about doing the latter, but with a few adjustments of course. Indeed you are a piece of shit, but I will not do something as cruel as flush you down the unholy porcelain throne. I think…I would like to keep your ashes in a pendant. I know I can see you laughing, calling me a flamboyant Brit, which is indeed what I am. As your partner I get all of your possessions so why would I want to keep your ashes when I will have many other memorably mementos of you? I don't know, I can't answer that at the moment. I just felt like I needed to express my thought on the idea.

Alas, I have to tell you again, that I did not feel a thing. I must have been in denial but in reality I was prepared for this. I had spent my days with you to the fullest for I knew one day one of us would expire without the other. It never came to me as a shock to see your body on the table and to plan preparations for what to do next. I had dreams you know, yes of you, but of a deceased you. In fact, I had the same scenario dream about 4 times a week and though you never told me, I know you had similar visions as well. I am stumped, really, I am desensitized by the entire event.

I did not feel anything because I had already felt everything. I had already shed my tears for you while you were still alive, I had already mourned for you mortality even when you were standing next to me because you and I both knew with certainty that our faith was inevitable. But I suppose I do feel something at the moment. I will forever remember who you are Christophe Delorne. I am going to always remember your devious smirk and the annoying laugh that was accompanied with a disgusting snorting noise. I am going to miss your unruly behavior and the way you spat words at me, whether in seriousness or in a matter of friendly jest. I feel happy to have known you, and I will see you again one day. Goodbye.


End file.
